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Happiness does not exist. It just lies in your imagination. At times you feel you are happy because of certain events or people. When you laugh, you might feel happy for a bit but that's obviously temporary. Feeling content momentarily or laughing continuously does not mean you are happy. If you think you are happy - maybe because you are at the moment - I believe that's illusion. In the book, Hector’s Voyage or the Search for Happiness, Francois Lelord says that you feel unhappy when you compare yourself to the others. I look back at what I did in the past, I guess until now I've always thought I was the happiest when I was younger, when I was in this place, when I was with that person. But the truth is, it's just an illusion. There's no such thing as a true happiness. You think about the future, your imagination of yourself being famous or successful or what not might make you happy but it's just an illusion. Even if you reach that goal, you won't be happy. Hermann Hesse says through Siddartha that in order to attain nirvana, you need an experience - the struggle or pursuit to attain happiness. I guess I need that struggle to grow up, but today really, I wondered if happiness, that illusion, ever existed in my life. I think I've completely wasted all my life and time that was given, with worthless, shitless things. I felt like I've been emotion-less for the longest time. I've been killing myself, my life, and the others.

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